Photo by: Mississippi State Athletics
Addressing Anxiety: When Carter Spexarth Almost Walked Away
August 31, 2020 | Softball, HailStateBEAT
STARKVILLE – A week after the 2019 softball season had ended, Carter Spexarth sat in paradise and cried.
She had taken the trip to Hawaii with her teammate and roommate Emily Williams to visit Williams' brother. It was there she began to process the emotions she'd been feeling.
Spexarth realized that most of what was weighing on her had nothing to do with playing softball. She was beginning the toughest classes in her major and trying to earn a starting spot while going through her first season without one of her best friends on the team after losing Alex Wilcox to cancer that summer.
"Softball doesn't give me anxiety," she recognized. "It was all the other things going on in my life, and I didn't know how to handle going through all of those things and my emotions that I had really put away."
She didn't begin to process everything she was feeling until the season came to a close. In the moment, she had bottled up and ignored anything that might be nagging at her, but she felt relief once she stepped away from the field and started considering leaving the game behind.
"Walking away from something so important and such a big part of your life was a really big decision," Spexarth said. "I was unhappy, but I was trying to figure it out. I didn't want to make a rash decision and regret it. I was going to wait as long as possible because what if I changed my mind."
Around that time, Samantha Ricketts was promoted to the head coach position at Mississippi State. Spexarth knew she had to let Ricketts know what she was facing.
"I had never been that scared," Spexarth said. "That was an adult conversation. I always wanted to be treated like an adult, but I'd never want to have those hard conversations. Listening to someone tell you that your feelings are valid is really emotional."
Ricketts' response was exactly what Spexarth needed to hear.
"It's all your decision. If you need to take a fall off, that's fine," she told her. "If you don't ever need to play again, we'll still be here for you."
Spexarth credits that open line of communication as a major reason she's still taking the field for the Bulldogs. She visited Dr. Angel Brutus, MSU's director of counseling and sport psychology, and now she speaks with an on-staff therapist once a week.
The results of all that had been building up inside was a pressure and anxiety Spexarth placed upon herself. Therapy helped her decide what she wanted to get out of softball as much as it helped her realize how much she was putting into it. She worked on disassociating her negative thoughts with the game and reducing frustration with the results.
"I never wanted to do something at 50 percent," she said. "If I was going to play softball, I was going to give it everything I had. I felt like Ricketts, [assistant coach Tyler] Bratton and [assistant coach] Josh [Johnson] deserved 100 percent of me, not 50 percent of me. That was why it was so hard to make the decision. I obviously wanted to keep playing, but I didn't want to give people half of me. If I couldn't give them 100 percent, I didn't want to do it."
As much as she wanted to give 100 percent, the coaching staff was committed to giving 100 percent of themselves back to her. They gave her time to make her decision and continue to support her along the way.
Spexarth has learned the value of talking to someone and giving a voice to the emotions she's feeling. Now she encourages others to be vulnerable and admit when they are struggling.
"Ninety-nine percent of the time our lives are not perfect," she said. "I really try to be the person that people can talk to when it's not going your way or you're not where you want to be. You can turn to Mia [Davidson] or Fa [Leilua] and ask them about softball, but I want people to ask me about life and be an adult woman in their life that they can talk to."
He impact became surprisingly clear to her when the Bulldogs traveled to Florida to open the 2020 season. Spexarth's family, like many of her teammates', made the trip down to Clearwater for the NFCA Leadoff Classic. While there, her father was approached by three different sets of parents who spoke highly of his daughter.
They were all freshmen.
It was eye-opening to Spexarth that people she had known for less than six months would tell their parents about her and that those parents in turn would seek out her father to let him know how much they appreciated her.
"So many people deal with this stuff and aren't heard," Spexarth said. "I'm so lucky that I'm heard. It's okay to deal with those things. You're so much more than softball. I didn't understand that. I thought my identity was softball and me struggling wasn't valid.
"If you are stressed, if you're anxious, if you're sad, go see someone," she added. "All of these people are here for you. Dr. Brutus has a whole team for whatever you need, so I've really become an advocate for talking. Speak with someone about how you feel because keeping it in is so hard."
She had taken the trip to Hawaii with her teammate and roommate Emily Williams to visit Williams' brother. It was there she began to process the emotions she'd been feeling.
Spexarth realized that most of what was weighing on her had nothing to do with playing softball. She was beginning the toughest classes in her major and trying to earn a starting spot while going through her first season without one of her best friends on the team after losing Alex Wilcox to cancer that summer.
"Softball doesn't give me anxiety," she recognized. "It was all the other things going on in my life, and I didn't know how to handle going through all of those things and my emotions that I had really put away."
She didn't begin to process everything she was feeling until the season came to a close. In the moment, she had bottled up and ignored anything that might be nagging at her, but she felt relief once she stepped away from the field and started considering leaving the game behind.
"Walking away from something so important and such a big part of your life was a really big decision," Spexarth said. "I was unhappy, but I was trying to figure it out. I didn't want to make a rash decision and regret it. I was going to wait as long as possible because what if I changed my mind."
Around that time, Samantha Ricketts was promoted to the head coach position at Mississippi State. Spexarth knew she had to let Ricketts know what she was facing.
"I had never been that scared," Spexarth said. "That was an adult conversation. I always wanted to be treated like an adult, but I'd never want to have those hard conversations. Listening to someone tell you that your feelings are valid is really emotional."
Ricketts' response was exactly what Spexarth needed to hear.
"It's all your decision. If you need to take a fall off, that's fine," she told her. "If you don't ever need to play again, we'll still be here for you."
Spexarth credits that open line of communication as a major reason she's still taking the field for the Bulldogs. She visited Dr. Angel Brutus, MSU's director of counseling and sport psychology, and now she speaks with an on-staff therapist once a week.
The results of all that had been building up inside was a pressure and anxiety Spexarth placed upon herself. Therapy helped her decide what she wanted to get out of softball as much as it helped her realize how much she was putting into it. She worked on disassociating her negative thoughts with the game and reducing frustration with the results.
"I never wanted to do something at 50 percent," she said. "If I was going to play softball, I was going to give it everything I had. I felt like Ricketts, [assistant coach Tyler] Bratton and [assistant coach] Josh [Johnson] deserved 100 percent of me, not 50 percent of me. That was why it was so hard to make the decision. I obviously wanted to keep playing, but I didn't want to give people half of me. If I couldn't give them 100 percent, I didn't want to do it."
As much as she wanted to give 100 percent, the coaching staff was committed to giving 100 percent of themselves back to her. They gave her time to make her decision and continue to support her along the way.
Spexarth has learned the value of talking to someone and giving a voice to the emotions she's feeling. Now she encourages others to be vulnerable and admit when they are struggling.
"Ninety-nine percent of the time our lives are not perfect," she said. "I really try to be the person that people can talk to when it's not going your way or you're not where you want to be. You can turn to Mia [Davidson] or Fa [Leilua] and ask them about softball, but I want people to ask me about life and be an adult woman in their life that they can talk to."
He impact became surprisingly clear to her when the Bulldogs traveled to Florida to open the 2020 season. Spexarth's family, like many of her teammates', made the trip down to Clearwater for the NFCA Leadoff Classic. While there, her father was approached by three different sets of parents who spoke highly of his daughter.
They were all freshmen.
It was eye-opening to Spexarth that people she had known for less than six months would tell their parents about her and that those parents in turn would seek out her father to let him know how much they appreciated her.
"So many people deal with this stuff and aren't heard," Spexarth said. "I'm so lucky that I'm heard. It's okay to deal with those things. You're so much more than softball. I didn't understand that. I thought my identity was softball and me struggling wasn't valid.
"If you are stressed, if you're anxious, if you're sad, go see someone," she added. "All of these people are here for you. Dr. Brutus has a whole team for whatever you need, so I've really become an advocate for talking. Speak with someone about how you feel because keeping it in is so hard."
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